I recently attended an educational meeting where one of the speakers did a brief but very informative presentation on the recent changes to the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual V (DSM-V) in relation to Autism Spectrum Disorder.  In the DSM-IV, Asperger’s Syndrome was recognised as a sub-category of Autism Spectrum Disorder.  In the DSM-V, all sub-categories have been removed, and are now just “Autism Spectrum Disorder”.

I’ll leave it to our ASPIA educators to make any further comment about the DSM-V, although if you’d like to read for yourself, go to the website of the American Psychiatric Association http://www.psychiatry.org/dsm5 and click on the fact sheet for “Autism Spectrum Disorder”.

What I want to mention here though is a phrase in the diagnostic manual that caught my attention rather profoundly and got me thinking, as I tend to do.

It says “This criteria change encourages earlier diagnosis of ASD but also allows people whose symptoms may not be fully recognized until social demands exceed their capacity to receive the diagnosis.

How often do we talk about not really recognizing our partner’s AS traits or the significance of those traits earlier on, particularly before marriage?  And we wonder how they managed so well before they got married, particularly those who have friends, a “social set” and have survived uni, etc.

I’ve often mentioned to partners  that the individual with AS may manage in a relationship ok until the first child is born, after which more and more difficulties begin to emerge as they can no longer cope in a situation that includes more than one other person.  Add subsequent children and the challenges are multiplied, add a change in jobs, moving house, etc and the situation is way beyond their capacity and the non-Asperger partner finds herself/himself absorbing more and more responsibility within the family.

This sentence in the DSM-V says to me that individuals with AS do have capacity up to a point, and that at some point social demands exceed that capacity.  After that their symptoms become more recognizable.  This adds another reason why it is only us, the partners, who make this observation and why others find it so hard to believe us, even our partner’s family members.

This says to me that the traits may have only emerged in a significant way as the demands of adult life have increased, which of course is the context that we share with them.

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One of the clues we are given to help us communicate with our partners is to remember that they cannot process all the information we are giving them all at once.  Words, sentences, meaning, tone, body language, emotion, eye contact … all of these channels, all at once.

This can explain why they flair up or withdraw, or why we seem to end up in a tangle over some irrelevant tangent.  Misinterpretation, confusion, frustration; all leaving us feeling so disempowered and with a sense that we can’t negotiate or resolve anything.

A recent experience of mine has given me a little more insight into what an individual with AS may experience when we talk to them.

I have a manager at work whose style of management I struggle with, and I know I’m not the only one.  We know she means well and she’s fun outside of work.

However, one thing I realised a couple of weeks ago is that I actually don’t understand a good deal of what she says to me.

Of course, we have very different roles and each has its own realm of expertise, knowledge and language, as in any workplace or walk in life.  But she rattles off acronyms and jargon I’m not familiar with and can only guess at and I nod and say “sure”,  dreading that she’ll ask me a question before I scurry back to my desk and hope I can dig up a few clues in the recent emails she’s flooded our inboxes with.

Perhaps this is a reflection on my capacity for comprehension which of course is partly true, but it has to be her too.

I can laugh at this situation because in most situations I usually have enough of an idea to fill in the gaps or find the information I need.

But it occurred to me that perhaps this is how our partners feel when we try to talk to them and they lack the knowledge to be able to fill in the gaps.

Topics such as emotions, communication, relationships, social expectations, boundaries, manners, good will, etc are not typically their areas of knowledge and expertise.  They are ours though.

What if they can’t even begin to guess at the gist of what we’re saying because they haven’t recognised the starting point and can’t follow the thread?

Maybe they just grab hold of the one random phrase they do recognise and hijack the conversation with this?  Perhaps this is how they cover their discomfort when they can’t carry the conversation with us, or why some tend to dominate or monopolise in certain situations to avoid the terror of not having a clue what to say next.  Or they avoid and withdraw.

Being in the situation of listening to my manager without being able to understand what she means is quite an unnerving experience.

Perhaps we could save ourselves considerable frustration and grief at home if we try to just cut down on our words, say what we mean, mean what we say and leave out the emotion and overtones.  Be clear, simple, calm and firm

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We were reminded at our last support group meeting how much individuals with AS rely on order and predictability.  Predictability helps them know what to do next.

Lack of predictability increases anxiety for them.

Recently I overheard an Aspie say in response to a fairly ordinary event “How could I predict that?  What do I do now? I have to work that out.”

Not only are they anxious, they are afraid of “getting it wrong” or making a mistake.  They use their intellect to try to work out what to do.  And they don’t recognise situations where they can do similar to what they did a previous time either.  Each situation is new and they have to work out the “right” response each time.  How stressful this must be, particularly when typical people and also life tend to be unpredictable.

It has also been suggested that Aspies may actually flood with emotion a lot of the time, rather than being void of emotion.  One can only imagine that this could leave them feeling quite uncomfortable and out of sorts on the inside, although they may not actually know what they are feeling, how to articulate what they are feeling or how to manage it.  They often seem angry, but deny they are, so perhaps to us the body language conveys anger, and they may be feeling anger, but not actually recognise it.

If they are flooding most of the time without us knowing, this could explain why some Aspies seem to escalate from 0 - 10 in half a second without any warning, or they may “shut down” and disconnect.

Knowing they use their intellect, it makes sense that Aspies can learn that certain behaviours such as withdrawal or emotional escalation have the effect of stopping dead everything and everyone around them.  What better way to get everyone to back off and get a situation back under control.  Like a technique or tool, without the intent to harm anyone, just to have the status quo restored so they can cope again.

An analogy I thought of is like when radio frequencies are jammed.   All interaction ceases.  If anyone else’s experience is like mine, I become fearful and disorientated when someone has a meltdown.  Then I don’t know what to do, and I’m effectively disabled.  And the Aspie has the situation back to how they need it to be in order for them to know what to do next.

And to take this to the next step - then they’re bewildered when we emotionally collapse and try to talk to them about what we believe has been at the very least a serious relationship crisis or at the worst some form of domestic violence

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Following a recent encounter with one of my beloved “Aspies” it occurred to me that no matter how much we invest in the relationship on a moment by moment basis, we never seem to build "good will" with them.  One small inadvertent omission on our part, and the whole thing seems to collapse.  Nothing we've invested seems to have meaning.

I often find in conversations at support group meetings and also in counselling that we talk about the “black hole” - how we pour so much into the relationship and get nothing back, that “lack of reciprocation”, but what I’m writing about here seems more than that.

Good will is like insurance.  Mistakes & offences are inevitable in any relationship, but if there's good-will, the offence is offset by this and reconciliation is possible, desired and sought after.

With an AS person, it seems to be about how they have been affected by what happened, and that is all.

So, we invest our souls with no guarantee of a return, make one mistake, the relationship is leveled to the ground and they don't know how to repair or re-build, that's up to us.

Thinking in terms of investment and insurance, the risks are incredibly high, inevitable.

No wonder we get burnt out.  Still we keep hoping, and re-building, until ...

(This article was written on a day when I was feeling particularly discouraged)

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Sometimes when we calmly but firmly push through with a preference or plan of our own, we may find that our partner is able to eventually come to terms with it in spite of the meltdowns and resistance they display in the process.  Bravely plan and persist.  One challenge at a time.  Calmly.  Firmly.

I suspect that in the process of constantly obliging and adapting around our partner’s needs and preferences (which to them are paramount, remember “theory of mind”), we inadvertently fail to define ourselves as individuals in their eyes, or our own.  This also establishes a pattern that becomes “the way things are always done”.

Eventually, we recognise we have lost our “sense of self”, and we realise that they recognise us only as a passenger and enabler in their life.

Not only do we lose our sense of self, but the whole family loses out on the enrichment that we could bring to the home and life - our personality, individuality, warmth and gifts.  What a sad loss.

One of our members recently sent through the following words by Dr Phil:

If you have to stop being all of who you are to be half of a couple, it's a bad deal.

If you give up your identity,

If you give up your thoughts,

Your feelings,

Your beliefs,

Your preferences,

Your needs,

You give up all of that in the service of another,

Then you've lost who you are.

The price is too high.

Thank you Dr Phil.

Carol Grigg

For those who’d like to see a good, simple explanation about “theory of mind” follow this link:  http://visuals.autism.net/visuals/main.php?g2_itemId=76

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… Do you ever catch yourself saying this?

All men are like what?

We all have our stereotypes for “all men …” (or “all women …” for that matter), but what are we really meaning when we utter this throw-away line?

Demeaning towards men I would say, but what I’d really like to suggest is how dismissive this may seem to a woman who with weary and aching heart is seeking an ear to hear and a soul to trust; daring to attempt to put words around something she can’t really describe; hoping you might have some clues to help her.

“Oh, all men are like that!”

She slips silently back into her world of confusion and isolation; self-doubt gripping her again.  Disbelieved, treated with skepticism, judged as malicious; because after all, “He’s so intelligent …”, “He’s a good provider …”, “He’s so helpful …”, “He has friends …”, she hears “What is your problem?”

She’s been asking herself this for years, altering, adapting and adjusting herself till she barely recognises herself any longer.  The problems persist, as does the self-blame.

So hard to put in a nutshell.  Nobody sees.  Words and meaning misconstrued; nothing resolved; prescribed ways of doing things; one way; interests and obsessions; his agenda; unusual priorities; social gaffs; unintentionally hurtful words; emotional disconnect; constant need for prompts; change or challenge creates catastrophe; oblivious to another’s state; mechanical sex; innocent comments seen as attack; her love cannot win; her preferences disregarded; she parents alone; complies with rules; carries the load; co-operates with correction; loses touch with her friends; sees the world going by, while silently and compliantly she continues dutifully on, searching for something to make sense; “he’s not a bad man”.

… Another home ignorantly and innocently struggling with characteristics consistent with mild traits of Asperger’s Syndrome (on the Autism Spectrum).  Not all men are like that.  In fact, it may be a man describing similar characteristics in his female partner.

Without knowledge, understanding and support they will eventually implode; individually and collectively.  More broken lives, without knowing why. Your awareness and understanding could make all the difference.

By Carol Grigg, 22 June 2013

Dip Counselling, Member ACA, Grad Memb AIPC Carol works part-time as a Generalist Counsellor for Upper Murray Health & Community Services in Corryong, Victoria as well as providing some private counselling by phone (Ph: 0408 817 828).

For more information about Asperger’s Syndrome in relationships visit http://www.aspia.org.au

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Chances are you are daring to suspect you may have just found the answer to what’s been affecting your relationship since its early days, and …

More than likely you will be feeling so relieved and exuberant that you may be tempted to want to shout it from the rooftops, telling your partner, your family, your friends and the professionals you’ve been trying to get help from for years.

Very few of these people will be ready to hear your news, particularly your partner.

At this point we have to stop and imagine what it might feel like for ourselves if our partner shared this kind of news with us.  Ok, many of us have been working hard on our own issues and believe we may welcome a light bulb moment such as this, but chances are we wouldn’t, particularly if we don’t know what it means.

It is difficult for anyone to be told that they may think differently to others or be perceiving situations and relationships differently to the way others do.  Terrifying in fact.  This is news that has the potential to put an individual into a personal crisis, so it is important that you hold your tongue at this time and take responsibility to make sure you have the right information and that you understand it adequately.  Then you can follow the steps set out later in this article.

So far as telling family, friends and others, they just simply won’t have any frame of reference to be able to give meaning to what you are saying because they have no idea what Asperger’s Syndrome really is or how it affects individuals or personal relationships.  You are at risk of being doubted, rejected and maybe losing the credibility you’ve been striving so hard to secure already.  You may be perceived as trying to discredit or undermine your partner, trying to secure personal support against your partner or even as being malicious, even though you will absolutely know in your heart that this is not your motivation.  All you will want is validation and some understanding, but more than likely you will feel disbelieved and disappointed by people’s responses to your new and life-changing information.  This is a painful but inadvertent injustice.

Our experience in the partner support group proves over and over again that the only people who have the capacity to validate and understand your experience are those who have a personal experience of an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome, preferably in their own family or very close circle of friends.  Some people will also understand if they have had workplace or professional experience.

Sadly, very few psychologists or other health care professionals will “get it” either, unless they have chosen, with an open mind, to seek information and guidance from reliable sources, such as Tony Attwood (www.tonyattwood.com.au), etc (you will find many recommendations on the ASPIA website .)

a) Start by reading about Asperger’s Syndrome in adults and how Asperger’s Syndrome can affect a relationship.

Begin with the information provided on ASPIA’s website.  Additional to some useful information sheets, there are pages that list other useful links, contacts and books.

Consider purchasing a copy of ASPIA’s Handbook for Partner Support which can be downloaded as a paperback, or eBook using Adobe Digital Editions  http://www.lulu.com/shop/carol-grigg/aspias-handbook-for-partner-support/paperback/product-20234619.html;jsessionid=649B6DDEF0551FC5BD8A7D2A78988124

As you read, take time to think and process what you learn so that you can begin to develop an understanding of the differences that Asperger’s Syndrome has created in your relationship, including the reasons why you feel so confused and powerless.  Gaining a good understanding can take a while, but is an important part of the journey.  You have been travelling this journey for a long time already, and even though you may have now found those answers you’ve been searching for, there is no “quick fix” or “magic wand”.  You will more than likely encounter many strong emotions, particularly around loss and grief, as you ponder what you read.

b) Please speak to a Counsellor or Psychologist who is experienced with adults and relationships affected by Asperger’s Syndrome.  The ASPIA website has a list , many of whom are well known to our group and who contribute to the solid educational base of our support group meetings.

Our support group does strongly advise that you do not seek help from a particular professional unless they have been recommended.  Seeking help from a psychologist or health care professional who lacks experience with Asperger’s Syndrome may just ensure additional emotional harm for yourself at your most vulnerable time as you feel compelled to justify and defend your personal truth all over again.  It is similar to the feeling that an abuse victim experiences when they are disbelieved, compounding and repeating the experience of abuse all over again.  It increases our sense of isolation too.

c) Find a way to talk to others whose relationships are affected by Asperger’s Syndrome.

See if there is a partner support group near where you live.  So far there are only a handful of partner support groups, and most of them are in capital cities (Australia).  Once again, check the ASPIA website and newsletters.

If there is no support group near you, see if you can find a discussion forum or chat room for partners.  A word of caution about chat forums though - this can be the first place where partners have an opportunity to tell their own story and often this is accompanied by much grief and anger.  Many partners also go on then to use forums as a place to vent regularly rather than seeking education and professional help.  It is wonderful to have a place like that to share, but dangerous to you emotionally unless you are strong enough to hear and support other people as well.

ASPIA does offer a private forum for those who are prepared to make a financial commitment to ASPIA and engage in introductory discussions with ASPIA’s Co-Ordinator first.  Email .  Enquiries are welcomed.

Once you are confident in your understanding of Asperger’s Syndrome and have adequate personal support, you can then begin to consider how to talk to your partner and others who may need to know.  Professional guidance is strongly recommended.

Once again, I must stress how important it is to seek and follow professional guidance.

Approaching your partner about the possibility of Asperger’s Syndrome may be a once-only opportunity.  If not approached carefully and with guidance, the opportunity may pass and be lost for ever.

It is generally not recommended to approach them directly with the claim that they may have Asperger’s Syndrome, or to deliberately hand them information about AS.  As stated earlier in this document, this could push your partner into a state of personal crisis which neither they nor you will have the experience to deal with safely and effectively.  It is best to introduce information to your partner within the context of ongoing professional support and guidance.

There are a few situations that you may be able to take advantage of  however:

i)  If your partner is asking for information about how to improve the relationship, or suggesting couple counselling.

ii)  If your partner has discovered information about Asperger’s Syndrome for him/herself and wants to talk about it.

iii)  If, in discussions, your partner makes some kind of comment that invites your ideas or suggestions.

iv)  If Asperger’s Syndrome is suggested by someone else and your partner seems open to feedback or input from you.

v)  You could leave a well-written article or book discreetly placed somewhere in the home.  Important - do not draw attention to it or ask if he/she has read it.  Allow your partner time to notice it and process the information.  Wait and see.  Sometimes they surprise us, and have taken in more than they let on.  Remember, they need time to process and don’t respond well when we confront them.  Often it will take months.

vi)  If you are in crisis, or considering the need to leave the relationship due to safety risks (emotional or physical) then you may have to disclose your observations and concerns, but do so carefully and preferably with professional help.

As mentioned earlier in this document, it is not necessarily wise to expect your family, friends or others to be ready to accept or acknowledge your claims about Asperger’s Syndrome.  Family members may feel that family dignity is under threat, and may do all they can to save face, as a diagnosis or suggestion of Asperger’s Syndrome may create stigma and affect perception of family “honour”.  Unless families are already comfortable talking about family issues, and are relatively open to the concept of “difference”, the suggestion of Asperger’s Syndrome will not go down well.

Friends and others will often just play down your claims or suggest that “all men/women are like that”.  This is because they do not have the capacity to imagine that there are realms outside of their own knowledge or experience and they do not know what to do to help you.  They do not see what we witness behind closed doors, and therefore cannot relate to it. Those who’ve had to confront the presence of a mental illness within their own family context may be far more open to your claims, and far more supportive.

As also mentioned earlier, the experience of our group suggests that you seek out professionals and a support network among those who do have personal and/or clinical experience of Asperger’s Syndrome, and derive your personal validation and emotional nourishment from these sources.

Our Family Court system still appears to be relatively ignorant of the impact that Asperger characteristics can have on relationships, family life and parenting.

Some situations to date have been adversely affected when a partner has attempted to suggest that the other partner or parent has Asperger’s Syndrome.  This can be seen as an attempt to maliciously discredit the other partner/parent in order to gain advantage.

We have been advised by representatives within Children’s Services to just stick to the facts of what is taking place, and not attempt to label behaviours as “Asperger” or anything else.  If there is physical abuse, state this.  If there is verbal or emotional violence, state this.  If there is risk of harm or neglect, state this and give examples.  Describe behaviours and incidents, don’t assume that claiming it is Asperger’s Syndrome will turn the light on for anyone.  Unfortunately, very few professionals and legal representatives to date have an effective working knowledge of how Asperger’s Syndrome can manifest or behave in a relationship or family situation.

In conclusion, our partner community is eagerly awaiting the imminent publishing of results of a number of university based professional research projects that prove the legitimacy of our cries for acknowledgement and support.  Updates and announcements will be included in ASPIA’s monthly newsletters as available.

Written by Carol Grigg, Dip Counselling. 18 November 2012

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As I find myself enjoying that old familiar feeling once again of reading what I “choose” rather than what is “required” for study purposes, I was blessed recently to find the latest edition of a little magazine for Christian women in my letterbox.  How lovely to sit and have my heart nourished by the inspirational words and thoughtful articles within, as I sip on a cuppa.

As I pondered my way through the stories and thoughts, I noted an article on recovering from estrangement, and then I noticed some promotional comments for a book I was familiar with entitled “Connecting with your Asperger Partner:  Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy” by author Louise Weston.

Having these two topics mentioned in the same publication struck me as very interesting and a strange co-incidence because in my own personal life’s journey, estrangement and Asperger’s Syndrome are inextricably tied together.  I felt moved to respond to this magazine article by making some comments of my own.

We are all aware of situations within families or between friends that seem particularly resistant to reconciliation or negotiation, and I believe there may in some situations be another, but somewhat obscure angle to this matter of estrangement that most people won’t have known to suspect.

In 1983, as a hope-filled young Pastor’s daughter I married a man who fervently loved the Lord and was deeply committed to the ministries of our local church.  I believed my husband and I were well matched in many ways and we were both very devoted to the Lord and to supporting the ministries of the church for the long term.

Almost from the day of our wedding, and almost always behind closed doors, a strange and frightening phenomenon began to erode away at the essence of my husband’s and my relationship.  We struggled in a devastating way with the typical expectations that Christian husbands and wives have of themselves and each other, particularly when living under the gaze of fellow believers and church leaders.

Our story is long and complex, and too much to write here, but as a young and idealistic Christian wife I began to judge my husband as being sinful, self-centred, fragile and spiritually immature, particularly in the light of the positions of respect and leadership he held within the church.  As the church teachings were my only frame of reference, I had no other way to define what was happening, and lived with confusion on a moment-by-moment basis.  I did seek help from leaders in the church, but on the whole my claims were met somewhat with disbelief and a hint that I was resisting my place of submission within my marriage (feel the hackles rising on the back of my neck now!).

At times I would sense that there appeared to be no malicious intent on my husband’s part, just a fixation on things being done in a prescribed way and order and sometimes just a desperation for survival somehow that didn’t make sense in the context of his abilities, knowledge and what we knew we could be in Christ.  Biblical principles for relationship seemed somehow out of reach for us, with a sense that there were gaps much deeper in the foundation of personality and cognitive development.  Sadly we lived a marriage of estrangement on a daily basis, with no clue of how to respond effectively to each other, in fact I am not certain that we ever resolved even one issue.  We just seemed to be on different pages in every situation, and never the twain could meet.  It ripped us apart, and carved deep wounds in the lives of our five children; children we’d borne and loved in the constant hope that our marriage and home would one day become a place of safety and nurture as I’d always dreamed.

Then, in October 2000, after 17 long and grief-stricken years, my husband’s behaviour was finally identified as being characteristic of an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome.

It is impossible to find the words to describe the relief this knowledge brought.  So much so that I have spent much of my energy since that day devoting myself to learning about Asperger’s Syndrome in relationships, and contributing what I can to provide support for partners and family members of adults with Asperger’s Syndrome.  It was in this context, probably about 7 years ago now, that I first had contact with Louise Weston, the author of the book I mentioned earlier “Connecting with your Asperger Partner”.  Louise and I were both involved in support groups for partners of adults with Asperger’s Syndrome, but in two different cities within Australia.  As a result of our common interest in relationships affected by Asperger’s Syndrome, I was asked by Louise to make a small contribution to her book.

The reason why I felt so moved recently to add my comments to the magazine topic of estrangement is because I firmly believe that it could be worth considering the possibility of the presence of the traits of Asperger’s Syndrome when negotiation and reconciliation just seem unattainable in spite of great effort and even mediation.  The estrangement may be between a parent and adult children, adult siblings, those who were once friends, marital partners or others who have had some sort of emotional connection at some point.  There will have been genuine attempts on the part of one to respectfully discuss differences and find reconciliation but to no avail, with no shift in the position or view of the other person, and sometimes even a worsening of the estrangement.

It would take too long to provide detail here about Asperger’s Syndrome, but AS involves significant difficulties in the use and interpretation of words and meanings; blindness to body language, hints and cues; literal interpretation; inability to generalise from one situation to another; a need for things to be done in a prescribed manner or order; difficulty accepting the opinions and views of others; finely tuned sensitivities and avoidance of a range of situations and experiences; difficulty with emotion recognition and management; lack of awareness of the impact of their words and behaviours on those around them; lack of reciprocity within relationship; etc.

It is my personal belief that many with AS traits will be drawn to the more literal and fundamental styles or preferences of Faith and Practise because they will typically seek out structure, order, routines, rules, forms of hierarchy, black and white views and opinions, etc.  They will often stick to principle and ritual and miss the essence of a situation, or the human element.

When one views some of these things through the filter of spiritual explanations only, without the benefit of knowledge of neurological difference, then it is easy to imagine how our little judging finger can have a field day.

During a workshop in Sydney in 2009, Tony Attwood, Australian’s most prominent Asperger Specialist from Brisbane made a comment that “Without an understanding of Asperger’s Syndrome, people make a moral judgment (about an AS person’s behaviours)”.  As Christians we are further in danger of spiritually judging a fellow-Christian, when in fact they may have some characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome and as yet be undiagnosed.  AS can be quite hidden and not easily recognised even by professionals.

I thank God, deeply, for the day I learned about Asperger’s Syndrome.  This knowledge has enabled me to understand and accept what happened to my family and has changed the way I view everyone I come into contact with.  By God’s grace I am learning to have compassion and mercy before I judge.  None of us know the struggles of others or the different perspectives they may hold, sometimes as a result of the way their brain is wired and outside of their control.  God’s grace abounds, and His love and mercy extend to all, whether neurologically “typical” or neurologically “different”.  Rather than becoming more spiritually sophisticated in our attitudes, our prayer should be to have gentle and accepting attitudes and a return to simple faith and humility, where love and equality is the common ground.

These comments are not meant in any way to minimize the beautiful heart-yearning for reconciliation where estrangement has taken place, or to deny that in some situations hearts are just hard, but I just believe it is helpful for us to know that there may be other contributors in some situations.

For those who may suspect that an estrangement is as a result of the presence of Asperger characteristics, it will be necessary for you to make an adjustment to what you expect from the other person and also to your own approach.  This will mean drawing heavily on God’s grace.  Verbal confrontation is rarely successful, and email/writing may need to play a part in your reconciliation efforts.  The only way to approach and negotiate with an adult with Asperger’s Syndrome is by having a calm, respectful but firm approach, using logic, facts and statements, avoiding emotional expression or escalation, and ultimately accepting that you may never find a place of emotional connectedness again with that person.  In some situations it may be possible to find a place of respectfully accepting each other’s positions and reducing any hostility that’s been present.

Remember that your gestures towards reconciliation may not be reciprocated, but this doesn’t mean that the other person is rejecting your gestures, they may simply just not know how to respond, or know that they are expected to respond.  If harm continues, it will be up to you to gently but firmly put boundaries in place rather than expecting the other person to understand or correct the offence, or to change.

For more information about Asperger’s Syndrome in relationships, visit .

©Carol Grigg, Dip Counselling, Member ACA, Grad Member AIPC

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It is difficult to write about the realities of relationships affected by Asperger’s Syndrome without risking offence to people with Asperger’s Syndrome.

It is important however to pause a moment and focus on the reasons for writing about relationships affected by Asperger’s Syndrome and why there is such a need for information and validation for all parties concerned.

The reasons for writing about relationships affected by Asperger’s Syndrome are because these relationships are confusing and difficult and can involve great stress, grief and trauma for both partners, and any children of the relationship.

The reality is that the person with Asperger’s Syndrome and the person without Asperger’s Syndrome are as different from each other as people from completely different cultures.  We may look the same from the outside, but underneath we are driven by completely different priorities, needs and perceptions.  It’s deeper than just the differences that normal relationships struggle with.

Whilst it is evident that many people with Asperger’s Syndrome do desire to be in relationship and enjoy social situations, it would seem that this is not a priority for them in the same way that it is for people who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome.

People with Asperger’s Syndrome generally seem to approach things with a system or formula and be more focused on a particular interest, project or task than on relationship with the people around them.  For people who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome, their relationships are their life-blood and all interests are undertaken in the context of social connectedness in some way.

Immediately this displays the chasm between the two worlds or cultures and goes a long way to explaining the difficulties, strain and unhappiness that characterise most relationships formed between someone who does have Asperger’s Syndrome and someone who does not have Asperger’s Syndrome.

Who’s to blame?

Rather than assigning blame either way, perhaps it is helpful to just begin to adopt the attitude that it’s completely understandable that the two worlds are scarcely compatible. It’s not about defect.  The majority of people with Asperger’s Syndrome are enormously gifted in specific fields so they’re not inferior.  The problem begins because people from the two cultures, namely Asperger and non-Asperger, form a relationship and expect to forge a solid, mutually satisfying conventional marriage relationship.  Asperger’s Syndrome creates problems in relationship particularly because the person with Asperger’s Syndrome does not have the same relational needs as the non-Asperger partner and he or she is mostly unable to instinctively recognise or meet the emotional needs of his or her partner.

Do we give up?

Does this mean that people who have Asperger’s Syndrome should not form marriage relationships with people who don’t have Asperger’s Syndrome?  Should those who are already married face the reality and give up?

My experience in support work with partners indicates that there are countless marriages in serious trouble because they haven’t had knowledge of Asperger’s Syndrome in time to avoid forming seriously dysfunctional relationship patterns.  These dysfunctional patterns daily threaten to destroy the relationship and both partners, particularly the non-Asperger partner.  How many more marriages are still “in the dark” about the presence of Asperger’s Syndrome in their situation?  How many marriages have already been lost, and to this day the partners have no idea that the difficulties were caused by the characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome?

Perhaps Asperger’s Syndrome in its most honest and purest form is quite amenable.  Perhaps it is the denial, the complex and multi-layered coping mechanisms and defensive strategies that make Asperger’s Syndrome so difficult to live successfully in relationship with.

People who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome enter a marriage with the normal expectation that the marriage relationship will be the priority and will be about togetherness, mutual terms and meeting of needs.  From the stories I have heard it seems that people with Asperger’s Syndrome also have this expectation, at least in theory, but countless testimonies indicate that in reality by some process of attrition the relationship ends up being more one of practicality and convenience for the person with Asperger’s Syndrome than for the loving and meeting of emotional needs of the marital partner.

A sentiment expressed by some non-Asperger partners is that they feel their Asperger partner must have analysed them prior to marriage and assessed them as being capable of filling a compensatory role for his or her own social, relational and functional deficits.  The non-Asperger partner unwittingly becomes the social bridge and interpreter and often fills the role of personal assistant.  In the privacy of their relationship, the person who does not have Asperger’s Syndrome will more than likely be physically and emotionally drained, working overtime to mediate relationships for his or her partner and keep life on track for both of them.  Perhaps the relationship has taken on more of the characteristics of a business partnership or arrangement.

For those who had normal expectations of the mutuality of marriage, there will be bitter disappointment, a sense of betrayal and a feeling of being used and trapped.  Instinctively they know that their partner needs them to carry out these vital roles for them, but feelings develop that the relationship is about the needs and interests of the person with Asperger’s Syndrome and that there is not even room for their own needs.

It is these sentiments that set up the hostility expressed by non-Asperger people towards those who have Asperger’s Syndrome.  Many partners feel that they are daily sacrificing their own values and losing their own souls and sense of self to help fulfill the priorities of the partner who has Asperger’s Syndrome.  They begin to feel that they have lost their individuality and identity and are entirely defined by the role they fill for their Asperger partner.  There’s a sense that there is no mutuality, no equality, no justice, no hope.

What is the answer? Is there hope?

I see the only hope for relationship as being contained within the willingness of the person with Asperger’s Syndrome to gain as much insight as possible into the realities of his or her differences, recognise the impact this has on his or her relationship, seek professional guidance and co-operate with his or her partner to develop a more healthy mutuality in the relationship. Surely this has to be a condition of entering marriage or continuing in an already established marriage. “How can two walk together except they be agreed?” (Biblical quote)

So how do we move on from the impasse that still exists between the two communities?  I believe most of this is caused by the ignorance of Asperger’s Syndrome that still exists within our communities and professional services.  No-one knows enough about it to be able to identify it when they are confronted by it and very few have an adequate understanding of it. Those with Asperger’s Syndrome are afraid of being labelled or seen as defective.  Those who realise they are living with someone who has it are either disbelieved or crushed by the lack of support and professional help.

People with Asperger’s Syndrome can tend to be militant and hold rigidly to what defines them as individuals.  They can be very interesting and often likably eccentric.  They may have a tendency to claim victimisation from those who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome, while they determinedly continue to navigate life and relationships on terms of their own rather than mutuality and compromise.  People who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome continue to long for the mutual meeting of emotional needs within the marriage and resent the reality of living on terms dictated by the needs and priorities of the partner with Asperger’s Syndrome.  In effect, their flexibility is exploited by the inflexibility of the person with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Of course marriage should not be exclusive to those who do not have Asperger’s Syndrome.

However, in the same way that any individual on this earth is responsible to gain self insight and work on character defects that impact on their relationships (if they wish to stay in a relationship!), so also is the person with Asperger’s Syndrome responsible to gain self-insight and work on defects that impact on their relationships.  The differences and deficits may be part and parcel of Asperger’s Syndrome, but marriage is about both partners taking responsibility for the well-being of the relationship and each other’s emotional needs.

If a person with Asperger’s Syndrome can’t promise the mutuality, relationship and personal sacrifice that is a reasonable expectation within a marriage, then marriage may not be for them.  If they are already married, then the least they can offer their partner is honesty and co-operation to find more mutual terms.

Most of the non-Asperger partners I’ve met are genuinely looking for reasons to stay with their Asperger partners, not leave them.  They are looking for strategies and pathways that will ease the conflict and stress points and enable the relationship to improve. From the stories shared in our support group we have learned that some relationships can be improved by the partners negotiating terms and trade-offs and even partial separation (maybe still under the same roof).

I often wish I could personally meet with all the Asperger partners represented by our group and somehow convey to them how loyal their partners are, how hopeful they continue to be that the relationship can be improved and what positive contribution they can have to this process.

Sadly, so many partners with Asperger’s Syndrome remain in denial about their Asperger characteristics and the negative contribution they are having in their relationship.  They don’t seem to have realised that the truth can actually make us free – free to grow, free to heal, free to live, free to love in whatever way we are capable, even if this involves a slightly unconventional approach.  Denial is self-defeating and puts a brick on the entire relationship, threatening its very survival.

Carol Grigg

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As the co-ordinator of a support group for partners of adults with Asperger’s Syndrome, most of the phone calls and emails I receive are from partners who have just discovered that Asperger’s Syndrome could be what is affecting their situation.

Their search had become one of desperation as their emotional and physical reserves are near depletion and they are losing hope for the relationship, and in some cases, the whole family.

The discovery of Asperger’s Syndrome can be an exciting relief, bringing renewed hope and some renewed energy … for a while … until we realise that there is no magic wand.

This part of the journey can be very dark, and it is usual to feel like everything we ever knew has been tossed upside-down and we don’t know which way is upright anymore. The discovery of Asperger’s Syndrome requires that we re-think the way we view everything and the way we approach everything within our relationship and family. On top of the immense effort that has already been channelled into surviving the situation and searching for an answer, this can seem beyond overwhelming.

It is at this point we need to be merciful towards ourselves and allow for a process to take place over time.

With the search over, it is important to take time to learn more about Asperger’s Syndrome and understand where the behaviours are coming from. Time gives you an opportunity to seek professional help for information and guidance. Time provides an opportunity for you to experience the validation that a peer support group like ASPIA can provide. Time will allow you to begin the process of healing and recovery for yourself. Time gives you a chance to think everything through carefully before you make an attempt to introduce the possibility of AS to your partner, family or friends if and when the time is finally right. Time gives you an opportunity to reflect and to forgive yourself, releasing all the guilt you feel from not knowing and understanding it was a disorder. You did the best you could with what you knew.

With time you will find you can let your partner off the hook for some things, and you will develop the wisdom you need in order to know what behaviours and characteristics are harmful to yourself and the family and that need addressing.

For the partners who’ve acknowledged they may have Asperger’s Syndrome, change will still take time, sometimes a long time. People with AS have difficulty with change and adaptability at the best of times, so presenting to them that they’ve got it “wrong” could be enough to cause a shut down or a melt-down, and could explain a lot of the denial and hostility we experience from them.

Professional guidance and supervision of this process is seriously recommended. An adult with Asperger’s Syndrome won’t know how or what to change. They won’t have a Plan B or an alternative way of doing daily life. Some non-AS partners have observed that as they themselves calmed down and began to quietly change their own expectations and behaviours, their partners with AS began to move towards them and develop curiosity about what was going on. This is the kind of opportunity we all pray for – let’s keep praying! Carol Grigg