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Carol Grigg Counselling
Carol Grigg Counselling
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Headlock
Posted on October 17, 2016 at 2:15 AM |
Recently I was reminded of that feeling
of being like in a head-lock when negotiating the daily happenings of life with
a partner with Aspergers. The term
“Aspie-lock” just occurred to me as fitting for how I felt. Things might seem to be going along ok, and
the level of effort we’re putting in is second to none, but one is acutely
aware of how delicate the balance is. One carelessly spoken word, or badly
timed question or request, a suggestion of something new or different, a role
or task not completed on time or in the right way, a preference or need not
anticipated, a different opinion voiced, and everything comes crashing down
like a house of cards. Angry reactions,
blame, resistance, a meltdown, rage; or withdrawal and silence. Everything collapses, and we find ourselves instantly
switching modes to that of dodging verbal missiles and criticism, trying to
reason with them, trying to cajole or appease, trying to defend ourselves or
our motives, explain what actually happened, justify our mistake or unintended
inconsideration, and desperately trying to restore the status quo, and that
state of pseudo-peace. Typically to no avail, or perhaps briefly, until next
time … Clearly, we know what’s required to keep
the status quo, and we do a pretty good job of it, demonstrating our good
theory of mind, and empathy. We care
about our partners, we know how they think and what’s important to them; we
care about the relationship, and the family dynamic, wanting to keep things as positive
and functioning as well as possible. But
it’s so nerve wracking and limiting, and completely unnatural to have to
constantly work so hard to maintain the status quo, and peace. Not to mention exhausting. And disheartening and defeating when it collapses
so quickly and easily. Often every day. |
Categories: Asperger's Syndrome in Relationships
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